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Jamie and the Winning Goal

Wee Jamie couldn’t wait for Christmas day,

His family were coming round to stay.

He went to see one store because

Its grotto hosted Santa Claus,

And Jamie met him sitting in his sleigh.

 

Now Santa Claus, whom everybody loves,

Told Jamie “If you’re good, no bites or shoves,

I’ll bring you proper football boots,

Your mum and dad will get new suits,

And Jamie monkey real goalkeeper’s gloves.”

 

The day arrived and there beneath the tree

Piled packages for him and you and me.

Wee Jamie had been good as gold

So Santa left the gifts foretold.

Each present even had a guarantee.

 

Then, coming from the kitchen with a frown,

His daddy said “The cooker’s broken down.

The turkey’s raw, so that’s ruled out,

We’ve got no other food about,

The tables are all booked at Rose and Crown.”

 

But Jamie monkey knew the ways and means.

He scrambled to the zoo for tins of beans.

Three hundred twenty three we’re told

How many beans each tin will hold.

They dined as well as any kings or queens.

 

By Boxing Day they needed exercise

To work off all those beans and Christmas pies.

They took their ball to kick around

The local park and training ground

But they were watched by Queens Park Rangers’ spies.

 

The boss had said “The match kicks off at five,

Three points will keep our title hopes alive.

Our substitutes have all gone sick,

You must find someone who can kick,

And someone who can really jump and dive.”

 

The Jamies looked like they might fit the bill,

Replacements for the players who were ill.

The spies took notes and both agreed,

“They have exactly what we need,

Great ball control combined with speed and skill.”

 

The spies decided not to ask them then.

The boss expected they would bring back men,

They kept on searching high and low,

For Jamies it was time to go.

They hopped and skipped, returning home again.

 

At Loftus Road the teams were due to meet,

So Granpaw had bought tickets as a treat.

“A league decider” said the news,

“The Hoops can not afford to lose,”

And Cardiff City was the team to beat.

 

Frustrated by their lack of substitutes,

And playing like a load of daft galoots,

By half-time they were two nil down,

The boss’s face a dirty frown,

He asked the spies “So where’s my new recruits?”

 

The boss was not a person to annoy.

“We only saw a monkey and a boy.”

While one spy stood and wrung his hands,

The other gazed into the stands,

But what he saw brought forth a whoop of joy.

 

Relaxing with a Bovril and a pie,

The Jamies didn’t recognise the spy.

Concerned that they might disappear,

He called “Hey you! Please come down here.”

The boss agreed to give them both a try.

 

Appointed striker, knowing how to shoot,

Wee Jamie tightly laced up each new boot.

While Jamie monkey went in goal,

To plug the wide defensive hole,

And stem the flood like modern King Canute.

 

Their presence helped to turn the match around.

Wee Jamie’s running covered so much ground.

The opposition were surprised,

With two quick goals he equalised.

Next goal the winner, where will it be found?

 

Straight from the kick-off, Cardiff pressed ahead,

With QPR back-pedalling instead,

The midfield was left high and dry,

Position sense had gone awry,

One minute left, the home fans watched with dread.

 

Their forward broke clean through, his shot can’t fail,

There was no way our goalie could prevail.

The ball is lobbed, it looks a peach,

Above his head and out of reach.

Then Jamie monkey caught it with his tail.

 

He threw the ball to Jamie on the wing.

What outcome might the last few seconds bring?

The tackles crashed in hard and fast,

Wee Jamie with the ball jinked past,

You should have heard the crowd begin to sing.

 

His shot flies forward like a fighter jet.

It’s blocked, the rebound bouncing high and yet,

Although he’s only two foot tall,

Wee Jamie rose to head the ball,

And stuck it in the corner of the net.

 

They’ve won! The boss congratulates each spy.

Their team-mates lift the Jamies shoulder high.

A lap of honour round the ground

Is greeted with a wall of sound,

Then back to get their Bovril and their pie.

January 2011
 
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